'Wife said I was boring and walked out on me and the kids, but now she wants to talk'

Dear Coleen

I’m a man in my early 40s and a few months ago my wife left me and our two young kids out of the blue. But looking back there were warning signs, and I think she was having some kind of midlife crisis.

She started going out with her friends all the time and doing less with me and with us together as a family.

If ever I challenged her about it, she would just snap at me and tell me that she could do what she wanted.

I thought our marriage was OK, but we didn’t have sex that often and before she walked out, we hadn’t had it in a long time. It was impossible to talk to her, though, because she’d just get so angry.

I found out she’d been telling people I was boring and she’d lost respect for me, which really hurt. I’ve got through with my family’s help, but now my wife is saying she wants to talk.

She says she regrets the way she left and isn’t sure it was the right decision.

I still love her, but I’m not sure I can ever forgive her for walking out on the kids.

I have no real idea what she’s been up to – whether she’s been seeing anyone else.

Should I talk to her? I’m worried if I let her back in, she’ll do the same thing again and we’ll all be left devastated for a second time.

I don’t know what to do.

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Coleen says

You have to talk to her, ­otherwise you’ll be left with lots of unanswered questions.

On the surface, it sounds like she’s had a crisis or breakdown and couldn’t see a way out other than leaving. Maybe she was unfulfilled and bored, but instead of talking about it, she ran away to have fun with her friends, then realised that feels empty after a while.

Talking doesn’t commit you to anything – you’re not saying, “I’ll take you back”, but you’re saying you’ll listen. And she has to understand how this has affected you and how you’re still feeling now. You say she “isn’t sure” leaving was the right decision, which sounds vague to me.

But even if you both decided to give the marriage another go, you can’t just go back to playing happy families because things weren’t happy before she left.

It has to be a work in progress. Don’t rush into any decisions, instead, take it slow and steady, and have counselling.

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